When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.