When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
yea so i messed up lol
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you