When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Velcrow
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.