When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
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Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.