When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.