Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

Dance like you’re not the father

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there