When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.