Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

True freaking story!

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen