Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.