“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.