When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
neighborhood watch
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Damn he played himself
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.