Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arrest that man!

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

they finally got him. they got macavity

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.