Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

bout dat hot dog summer