When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars