Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99 ninety nine
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77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

good morning

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me