When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!