When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
He took my last fry, your honor
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌