When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Yoga Matt
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.