When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
every college guy’s fridge
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Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.