When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
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Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself