When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
i want enemies
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?