When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.