When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
secret recipe
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door