When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
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me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.