Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

Whoa… oh I see lol

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

The most important meal of the day is the next one

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

ㅤ

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.