Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Breaking news:
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Sorry not sorry.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you