When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.