Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?