Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan