When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
roses are red
i fall when i skate
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Going into Monday like
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate