When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
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Solving a traffic jam
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
smartest karate player in the world
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit