When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Sorry. Not sorry
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
If my kids invented a drink.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.