Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…