When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
i’m still crying at this
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I highly recommend telling your boss/manager you have ADHD or autism. They will understand completely and won’t immediately take on a tone that you use for a dog that’s known to bite people
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.