When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
That’s amazing.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
this is the best interaction on twitter
