Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Those who ignore History are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking History again this fall.
Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone
Any writer can be a ghost writer if you kill them
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.