When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

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[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*


HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.


I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.


Those who ignore History are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking History again this fall.


Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone


CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?


[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?


Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.