When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
kevin is now a local weatherman
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.