When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol