Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

motivation

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

just got my engagement photos

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*