When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Not with that attitude
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Hamburger Hinderer.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.