When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
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Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Children of the Corn Man
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Natural selection at its finest
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives