Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most important meal of the day is the next one

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

😏😏😏

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.