Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.