Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

I don’t make the rules sorry

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

The legends speak of a third Duran…

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?