Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.