Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

this is a sign that you need a union

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT