when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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