Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

*puts my mental health in rice

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH