Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

We avoided this particular disaster

😬

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

The Punning Dead.