when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
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Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Room with a view.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr