Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
LA today:
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Friday night party time 🥳
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.