Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

#milo

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”