Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Monday

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.