When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
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If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Voodoo map
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.