When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
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Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks