When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Shortcut
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.