When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.