Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe