Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

This is the one

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches