Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

War & Peace

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma