Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.