Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened