when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Printer ink is expensive
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I ate everything, including the H.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
inside you are two wolves
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.