Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix and scream at our children?!

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

🤣🤣🤣

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.