When can I start eating bats again.
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My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
concern
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.