When can I start eating bats again.
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My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.