When can I start eating bats again.
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Breaking news:
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home