When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?